Facilitating Communication

By Laurel Falvo

I once saw a cartoon that showed a little girl walking through the front door of her house, presumably just arriving home from school. As she walked past her mother, she was saying, “What happens in kindergarten stays in kindergarten!”

Although I chuckled when I saw the cartoon, this scenario is played out in many homes where parents are frustrated by the lack of communication from their children regarding the events of the day. Whether dealing with a kindergartener or other child who may have difficulty knowing how to describe what he or she learned, saw, felt, and experienced, or an adolescent or other child who is reluctant or uninterested in talking, many parents struggle to know how to get their child to “open up” to share highlights and concerns about their personal experiences.

While ability, personality, past experiences, emotions, and relationship all likely play a role in this scenario, there are many strategies that can be used to facilitate this sort of communication. Here are just a few:


1. Visual strategies: Feelings, sequencing of events, and more can be indicated using charts, posters, pictures (both clip art and photos of the child), and games. The child can point to items, or choose a picture to describe. Linda Hodgdon’s book, “Visual Strategies for Communication” may be a helpful resource for anyone learning to help their child in this area.

2. Home school folder: When one of my children was small, I sent a notebook to school with him each day. One year (in preschool), it was a binder which contained blank pages labeled, “What did I do today?” At home, he would choose a small item (colored leaf from a walk outdoors, candy wrapper from a special afternoon snack, etc.) that represented something he had done at home that day. Whatever he told me about the item, I wrote on the paper. He took his binder to school to show his teacher, with her helping him read it if he wasn’t able to recall what he had done at home. They repeated the process at school, so that I could know a little something about what he had done at school that day. This not only facilitates communication, but it also reinforces pre-reading skills as the child dictates and attempts to later read a sentence or two about what he or she has done that day.

3. Highs and Lows: I’ve known several people who incorporate the discussion, “Highs and Lows” into their bedtime routine. As they tuck their child into bed, they ask what the high (most positive memory) of the day was, and the low (a disappointment, negative experience, etc.) For those who tend to be pessimists (or are upset by negatives), it might be best to begin with the lows, and end with the highs! More advanced individuals might use this as an opportunity to talk about choices that were made (by themselves or others) that contributed to the highs and lows, and different choices (or attitudes toward them) that could help future situations. (One of my children had a creative teacher who conducted a similar exercise in the classroom once a week. She called it a “Pow Wow.” Each child would share a low (pow) and a high (wow) during the discussion.

4. Family meeting with talking stick: A good way to ensure that family members spend quality time together, giving each other time to share their own experiences, and to listen to the experiences of others, is to hold a “family meeting.” A “talking stick” (any item, whether fancy or simple) is passed around. When a person is holding the talking stick, he or she “has the floor” for a predetermined amount of time. If that person is feeling talkative, the time may pass quickly. If not, there may be a lot of silence as their time seems to pass more slowly. The advantages to this are that each person begins to get accustomed to having time to think about what he or she might say, and the family members, who might traditionally begin talking instead of listening during a moment of silence, gives each person the time and space needed to process his or her thoughts. Also, those who may have an easier time sharing thoughts and experiences are able to model the process for those who have more difficulty in this area. (The time allowed for each person will depend on the day’s schedule and/or the attention span and ability levels represented in the family. You might begin this activity with 1 minute per person, and work over time toward 3-5 minutes).

5. I frequently use my “Social Response Pyramid(TM)” to facilitate discussions about how a person is feeling or what he or she is thinking (their CONTEXT), things he or she said or did (RESPONSES) and the STRATEGIES used (or that could be used in the future, which is part of the EVALUATION phase). More information about the Pyramid, including a KIT which provides the instruction (including an instructional DVD with sample discussions) and necessary pieces to have your own Pyramid discussions, is available at www.thegraycenter.org.

These are just a few ways to facilitate communication with a person who has difficulty sharing thoughts and experiences. I’m sure there are many more! If you’d like to share other ideas, please post those here!

Making Educational Choices for Your Child

Throughout the lifetime of a child with ASD, parents are often faced with the question of where to send them to school, what activities to enroll them in, etc. Sometimes this question is sparked by a natural transition such as the child turning a certain age. Other times it may be sparked by a move to a new location, or a negative experience at one place, requiring a change to something more suitable.

The following suggestions for evaluating options were provided by various moms who are friends of The Gray Center::

--Remember that one school district, school, teacher, or activity may be optimal for one child, and not a good fit for another. It is often helpful to talk with other parents to find out more about their experiences, but keep in mind that each impression is unique to that child, family, district, school, and teacher.

— Remember that parents have the twin tools of intuition and knowledge of their children. No one knows your child better than you do. If a school or activity doesn't "feel" right, it probably won't be right for your son or daughter. Let that feeling guide you.

— It's always helpful to visit several school districts or programs within a district (and look at charter and private schools, too) and various locations for activities, depending on the options available. Be open to everything — even options that might not seem readily apparent. One mother sent her son with ASD to a school that specialized in educating children who are deaf. It was the best fit for him because of his auditory processing issues. It also is helpful to have a friend or your spouse accompany you on visitations as you explore your options. Sometimes it may be helpful to find a school or district, or activity provider where specialized training has been made available to the teachers and staff, so that they are more likely to be familiar with your child's needs and available strategies for meeting those needs.

— Your child's needs and abilities are constantly changing. A program that fits those needs one year may not be a great fit the next. Consider what the child needs to succeed: Paraprofessional support? Assistive technology? A peer-to-peer social program? Sometimes an adapted curriculum using the Internet for research can be helpful. Using a computer is absolutely necessary for some when they struggle with handwriting. These issues all vary from student to student, and need to be addressed.

— Be aware of your child’s strengths as well as the areas in which he or she needs help. When sensory issues are present, the school environment is as important as the people who are working with a child. You can observe the noise levels at potential venues to determine whether the environment is conducive to your child’s needs. Depending on the school or activity, a student with ASD might be allowed to leave a class five minutes earlier or later to avoid the congestion in the hall. These accommodations are all within the legal range of what you can respectfully request — and expect to receive.

— When examining educational options, enlist the help of the autism teacher consultant for your district or your school (if your district has a large population of students with ASD, there may be more than one). The teacher consultant is there to work on behalf of the student — he/she offers input to teachers but also is available to address parental concerns.

— Keep an open mind even if you have had a bad experience within a school district or with a particular program or activity. A different building with a different administrator and different teachers can make all the difference!

Please share your comments and suggestions below!

Sensory Integration

It is likely you have heard of sensory integration. In a few words, sensory integration is the brain’s ability to process information taken in through the senses to screen out unnecessary input and “make sense of the rest” to aid in decision-making and appropriate responses to and interactions with our environment. But what does sensory integration have to do with social understanding?

When in a crowded room, whether it’s a classroom, gymnasium, restaurant, or store, a person with sensory integration difficulties may not be able to focus on just one thing. Instead, his or her senses are bombarded by all the surrounding sights, sounds, sensations, and smells. Rather obvious social implications accompany an inability to focus on a private conversation, or the instructions of a teacher in the front of the room, or the calls of a referee.

People who experience various sensations very keenly—whether it’s temperature, tags in clothing or clothing textures, or the firmness of touch—will encounter social difficulties when they are required to dress in a manner that is uncomfortable for them, or when they get jostled in line while waiting for the bank teller or the drinking fountain. Difficulties with the proprioceptive system can cause individuals to use too much force to close a door or to tap a friend on the shoulder. We've likely all experienced occasional negative effects of this either at home, school, or in the workplace!

And the compelling need that some of these individuals have to move--or to experience as many sensations as possible in a short amount of time (or, conversely, to avoid these things at all costs)--can affect the social interactions of these individuals as well as those around them.

While we work to teach social understanding, sometimes individuals have all the information and “rules” needed to carry out a social task, but they simply cannot provide adequate or appropriate responses due to the fact that their brains and bodies are focused on immediate sensory input and needs instead. A true social understanding approach will take into consideration the effect that difficulty with sensory processing has on behaviors and responses.

For help understanding and responding to sensory integration dysfunction, I recommend the book, “Understanding Regulation Disorders of Sensory Processing in Children.” My “Social Response Pyramid(TM) KIT” contains an instructional DVD showing me working with my own children to describe how sensory dysfunction and strong emotions can get us “stuck” and unable to access strategies for interacting effectively with others. The tool is helpful for staying calm and identifying choices that will help move us in the right direction. (Both of these resources are available at www.thegraycenter.org).

Please use this blog to share your own suggestions for resources and strategies with others!

Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
Copyright 2007-2009

Santa, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and Other Traditions

(This article was originally sent to recipients of Laurel Falvo's SUN News, a free weekly email article that can be subscribed to at http://www.thegraycenter.org/. Other past issues can be found on the SUN News blog at http://graycenter.wordpress.com/.)

Several months ago I received the following e-mail from one of our SUN members: "The mother of a student with ASD asked us today about how to handle her son’s anger at having been lied to by his parents about the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and Santa. He is a 5th grade student and has been told by a friend that all three are really his parents. He has been quite angry and has called his parents liars and said he is not sure he will be able to trust them again. He has a younger sister who is still a 'believer.' We realize that loss is playing a significant role here – this must come up for many, many kids with ASD. Do you have any suggestions for how to help this family handle the transition?"

I'm guessing that many of you can relate to this dilemma! I know that this issue comes up even in families that don’t have a loved one diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder (ASD)! I used to be a first grade teacher, and I remember the kids in my classroom getting into heated arguments about whether there really IS or ISN’T a Santa or a Tooth Fairy. Movie producers have some fun with this issue by creating movies such as "The Santa Clause" and "The Polar Express," which inspire our fascination with the subject.

But while many kids grow up with a family tradition which promotes one of these beliefs, only to go through a period of revelation followed by ready acceptance, we know that for individuals with ASD, the loss and apparent deception can cause significant issues. The frustration and anger exhibited by this particular student is understandable!

So what are we to do? I would be as honest as possible with this student. Explain that these are “traditions” that are passed on from adults to children, from generation to generation. Often, when children grow up and become adults, they decide to pass the tradition along to their children by telling and acting out the stories of those traditions. Now that he knows it is simply a tradition rather than reality, he can help to pass the tradition on to his younger sister. There may be ways for him to be involved in that! (When I was a child, I helped put cookies on the mantle for Santa, knowing that my dad and our dog would enjoy a midnight snack, but still enjoying the “game”--especially for the benefit of my little sister). He might be able to do some research on those traditions (Wikipedia would be a great place to start, at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tooth_fairy), or help his parents or teacher write a report to describe a particular tradition and how and why it’s celebrated. Like a detective, he may want to help look for “clues” that show that it’s simply a tradition rather than reality (i.e. each mall has a Santa—one person can’t be at each mall at the same time!)

Depending on how seriously he is taking this, his parents might also owe him an apology, explaining that they had not viewed it as deception, but as the passing on of a tradition, but that they can see how it would feel that way to him. It’s important to validate his feelings, too!

The teacher is correct that this is also a loss-related issue. For more help on that (particularly if the previous suggestions didn’t help!), readers might want to check out Carol Gray’s “Gray’s Guide to Loss” here: http://www.thegraycenter.org/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=product.display&product_id=68

I'd like to close with a quote from the Wikipedia site I noted above: "The Tooth Fairy is an example of folklore mythology sometimes presented to children as fact...The realization or discovery that such stories are make-believe is considered a part of the child's growing up...Many families participate in the roles of this myth even when the children are also aware of the fictionality...as a form of play or tradition." If you were considering writing a Social Story™ or Social Article™ to help explain this issue, that’s a great place to look for ideas to get you started! (Other suggestions for using this valuable technique developed by Carol Gray can be found on our web site at http://www.thegraycenter.org/).

Best wishes, and thank you for the work you are doing to promote social understanding! If you have your own suggestions for dealing with this issue, please post those here. We appreciate your participation!

Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

Copyright 2007 Laurel A. Falvo

Holidays and vacations

Many people enjoy holidays and vacations because it gives them an opportunity to get away from usual routines, see people they don't typically see, visit new places, enjoy old traditions, eat different foods, etc. For other people, elements of vacations and holidays can be overwhelming or disturbing, physically, emotionally, mentally, and socially.

Do you have tips for helping people deal with holidays and vacations? Please share information, including tips, links, and available resources, that may help people as they manage their time, sensory systems, emotions, social comfort zone, and more in order to enjoy these changes in routine!

Finances and money

It's important to learn the basics of financial management, especially in a difficult economy. Parents can help their children by "leading by example," exercising good stewardship of their resources and modeling good saving and spending habits. Some people tend to learn by example or through personality traits which help them save and manage wisely. Others tend to learn through mistakes, or only through direct instruction and assistance from others.

Do you have tips for teaching money-management skills? Do you know of helpful links and other resources? We hope you'll share those here!

Social Response Pyramid(TM)

The Social Response Pyramid(TM) is an educational tool developed by Laurel Falvo. It is used to help us better understand ourselves and others in order to produce socially effective responses and experience social success. You can find out more at http://www.thegraycenter.org/, and have an opportunity to purchase an instructional kit and DVD presentations by Laurel Falvo. You can also view sample "Pyramid discussions" on YouTube by searching on Laurel Falvo's name (or view a sample on this blog site).

Please use this space to share your stories of how you've used the Social Response Pyramid(TM) and what you've learned along the way!

Social Stories(TM)

Social Stories(TM) were developed by Carol Gray, and have been utilized around the world for many years to increase social understanding. You can find out more about Carol Gray's Social Stories(TM) at www.thegraycenter.org, and purchase information that will help you write your own Social Stories(TM) (downloads and DVDs), or purchase Storymovies(TM) to show to your children and students.

Please use this space to share your stories of how you have used Social Stories(TM), and what you've learned along the way!

Driving

Driving a vehicle, at least in our area, is viewed as a sort of "right of passage" when a teen turns 15 (actually, 14 years, 9 months). Some kids are more ready (emotionally, physically, mentally, and socially) for learning to drive than others.

Have you noticed that driving is a highly social experience? Even if you're alone in your automobile, you and those around you are propelling thousands of pounds of steel down the road. While we drive, we're constantly playing a social guessing game--did that driver see me? Is that driver going to turn? Will that driver slow down in time for the light, or try to go through before it turns red? Does that driver know about the patch of ice I just drove over, and will he be able to maintain control of his vehicle (and what is my plan if he can't)? Did that policeman see me, and did he notice that I was driving faster than the speed limit? Is that pedestrian going to walk out into the road, or wait until I am past? Should I slow down?

We know that "social guessing games" can be particularly difficult for individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD). Yet many of them are very effective, safe drivers!

Some parents opt to wait until their children are older before signing them up for "driver's education." Others recognize that their child's abilities limit him/her to taking public transportation or finding some other form of transportation. Others have found various strategies to help their child learn to be a safe driver.

We hope you'll share those strategies here! What do you know? What have you tried and/or learned from your experience? Please share links, books/DVDs or other resources, and helpful tips for other people who are preparing to walk (or drive) this road.

Thank you for your help! Safe driving!
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Executive Director, The Gray Center
http://www.thegraycenter.org/

Welcome to The Gray Center blog!

The Gray Center is a nonprofit 501(c)3 organization cultivating the strengths of individuals with autism and those who interact with them, and promoting social understanding among all people.

Our web site at www.thegraycenter.org provides more information about our nonprofit organization and the services we provide, along with articles and information about ASD, and an online bookstore of valuable resources for parents, professionals, and individuals with ASD.

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Laurel Falvo, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org