(This article was originally sent to recipients of Laurel Falvo's SUN News, a free weekly email article that can be subscribed to at http://www.thegraycenter.org/. Other past issues can be found on the SUN News blog at http://graycenter.wordpress.com/.)
Several months ago I received the following e-mail from one of our SUN members: "The mother of a student with ASD asked us today about how to handle her son’s anger at having been lied to by his parents about the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and Santa. He is a 5th grade student and has been told by a friend that all three are really his parents. He has been quite angry and has called his parents liars and said he is not sure he will be able to trust them again. He has a younger sister who is still a 'believer.' We realize that loss is playing a significant role here – this must come up for many, many kids with ASD. Do you have any suggestions for how to help this family handle the transition?"
I'm guessing that many of you can relate to this dilemma! I know that this issue comes up even in families that don’t have a loved one diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder (ASD)! I used to be a first grade teacher, and I remember the kids in my classroom getting into heated arguments about whether there really IS or ISN’T a Santa or a Tooth Fairy. Movie producers have some fun with this issue by creating movies such as "The Santa Clause" and "The Polar Express," which inspire our fascination with the subject.
But while many kids grow up with a family tradition which promotes one of these beliefs, only to go through a period of revelation followed by ready acceptance, we know that for individuals with ASD, the loss and apparent deception can cause significant issues. The frustration and anger exhibited by this particular student is understandable!
So what are we to do? I would be as honest as possible with this student. Explain that these are “traditions” that are passed on from adults to children, from generation to generation. Often, when children grow up and become adults, they decide to pass the tradition along to their children by telling and acting out the stories of those traditions. Now that he knows it is simply a tradition rather than reality, he can help to pass the tradition on to his younger sister. There may be ways for him to be involved in that! (When I was a child, I helped put cookies on the mantle for Santa, knowing that my dad and our dog would enjoy a midnight snack, but still enjoying the “game”--especially for the benefit of my little sister). He might be able to do some research on those traditions (Wikipedia would be a great place to start, at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tooth_fairy), or help his parents or teacher write a report to describe a particular tradition and how and why it’s celebrated. Like a detective, he may want to help look for “clues” that show that it’s simply a tradition rather than reality (i.e. each mall has a Santa—one person can’t be at each mall at the same time!)
Depending on how seriously he is taking this, his parents might also owe him an apology, explaining that they had not viewed it as deception, but as the passing on of a tradition, but that they can see how it would feel that way to him. It’s important to validate his feelings, too!
The teacher is correct that this is also a loss-related issue. For more help on that (particularly if the previous suggestions didn’t help!), readers might want to check out Carol Gray’s “Gray’s Guide to Loss” here: http://www.thegraycenter.org/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=product.display&product_id=68
I'd like to close with a quote from the Wikipedia site I noted above: "The Tooth Fairy is an example of folklore mythology sometimes presented to children as fact...The realization or discovery that such stories are make-believe is considered a part of the child's growing up...Many families participate in the roles of this myth even when the children are also aware of the fictionality...as a form of play or tradition." If you were considering writing a Social Story™ or Social Article™ to help explain this issue, that’s a great place to look for ideas to get you started! (Other suggestions for using this valuable technique developed by Carol Gray can be found on our web site at http://www.thegraycenter.org/).
Best wishes, and thank you for the work you are doing to promote social understanding! If you have your own suggestions for dealing with this issue, please post those here. We appreciate your participation!
Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
Copyright 2007 Laurel A. Falvo
This is the perfect opportunity to teach your child the concept of "unselfish giving". As parents, we give gifts to our children under the guise of "Santa Claus" or the "Easter Bunny", "Tooth Fairy" etc. We do this unselfishly, without receiving "credit" or recognition for what we give. In reality, we give the recognition and credit to someone else, even though imaginary! To me, this is "true" giving; giving without expectation of something in return. We can use these childhood icons to teach our children the true way to give.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great way of looking at it! Thanks so much for sharing!
ReplyDeleteLaurel Falvo
Or you could just not lie to your children to begin with. :/
ReplyDelete